Longing: A Reylo Story
by allycarson
Summary: Told entirely from Kylo Ren's POV. This fic explores his journey back to the light without Rey. As always with me, Reylo.
1. Chapter 1

"I'll destroy her!"

Kylo Ren heard the words ring through his head again as he pulled himself out of bed. He'd shouted them to his uncle Luke, so angry, so full of hatred.

Hatred for Rey.

Hatred for Luke and a burning desire to rebel against anything he said.

Kylo's anger and agony in that moment had clouded everything he could see, experience. She had left him. He offered her everything, his power, his connection to the Force, his life. She walked away. Everything he felt for her, she felt nothing. He was nothing to her but she was everything to him.

He realized she had come to turn him to the light and gain his help for the Resistance, she didn't see him as a person the way he saw her.

With Rey he felt complete, he felt balanced, he felt whole.

She left him so easily.

Why couldn't she see him? Really see him for what he really was?

Kylo stepped in front of the mirror in his standard issue First Order bathroom.

He wasn't sure he really knew who he was sometimes either. How could he expect her to know? When he saw Rey he wanted to become someone noble, someone who could save the galaxy, who never made a mistake along the way. His fists clinched as he thought again how she refused to help him, they could have done so much together. They could have been so strong.

He knew she wanted a family. He could feel it the first time he was near her on Takodana. Kylo could sense her attachment to Han, his own father. He knew she would never have found belonging there, as much as Han loved him, he was never the attachment type.

Luke had disappointed her too, for that he hated Luke even more. Rey had come to him, desperate and alone. Searching for a last hope, searching for belonging.

He had failed her.

He pulled on his black clothing and tightened his belt around his waist. He knew she belonged with him, he longed for her to be by his side. He had seen it when they touched but he had failed her.

Just like everyone else had. He was just as bad as them. He didn't deserve her. He wasn't worthy.

It had been a month since he watched her shut the door of the Millennium Falcon and leave Crait with her friends. That misfit band of rebels she chose over him.

A month since she walked away so easily and he was left with nothing but rejection. He longed for the Force to bridge their minds again but whatever Snoke had set up had dissolved slowly after his death. Kylo wasn't strong enough to bridge their minds himself.

So he devised another plan.

He was searching for her, every day. He had First Order troops all over the galaxy. Someone would find her.

Then he would speak to her again, be with her again, feel her presence again. For that moment, he would have peace.

Then he would let her go. Again. Because he knew he could never hold her. He could never possess her. She was brave and beautiful and strong and everything he was not. She could not be contained and he would never try.

Not again. He had tried to interrogate her before but she had overpowered him and read his mind instead.

He wanted to share himself with her now, to show her who he really was, to make her understand.

Maybe then, she would feel about him the way he felt about her.

Kylo Ren had left a beacon aboard the Millennium Falcon when he was a child. He had never thought much of it, for all he knew, the ship was stranded in some junk yard somewhere or in the hands of pirates. Recently though, he began to wonder if it would be possible to activate the beacon once more.

The comms unit in his room illuminated, "Sir, we have a transmission from Bilko Shmee." The communications officer said.

"Put him through," Kylo Ren commanded.

The next voice on the line was one that he would have recognized anywhere. Bilko had trained with him at Luke's Jedi academy. The night Luke had attempted to murder him, Bilko had helped him fight off Luke's more minion-like students, they had escaped with a handful of others and formed the Knights of Ren. Kylo Ren still felt a debt of gratitude to the man, he may not have survived that night without him.

"Go ahead, Bilko," he prompted.

"Sir, I just left Ahch-to, there was no sign of the ancient Jedi texts." Bilko's voiced faded out slightly.

"And my uncle?" Kylo Ren asked.

"No sign of him either."

"The girl?"

"No trace."

Kylo Ren's hand formed into an involuntary fist, "Thank you, Bilko."

* * *

Author's Note:

I have heard from some readers that this story feels like it is going to be a tragedy. So, I'm going to say up front that I believe in happy endings. This is a slow burn romance but the end is worth it so hang in there :-)


	2. Chapter 2

"Sir, two droids on Coruscant transmitted this video just moments ago." A young imperial officer reported to Kylo Ren as he stepped in to the bridge. The officer handed him a data pad and with a curt nod, turned back to his station. Kylo looked down at the data pad and played back to video.

It was Rey.

She was leaving a diner on the ground level of Coruscant. It looked to be morning in the video. The sign above the diner said "Dex's."

Two men and a woman exited the squat building after Rey. One man and woman appeared to be somehow attached, especially friendly with each other. The other man stayed closer to Rey. He was tall, tan, and had wavy hair swept away from his face. He walked with a confident smile right behind Rey, occasionally reaching out to touch the small of her back and guide her through the crowds.

Kylo turned off the video playback. He didn't want to see anymore.

He hadn't missed Rey's face on the playback, he could recognize it anywhere. The determined set of her jaw, the warm brown eyes that haunted his dreams, her brown hair caught in the wind of the hot Coruscant streets. Everything inside him longed to be close to her, but she was so far away.

"How long ago was this taken?" He asked the officer who had handed it to him.

"Five hours, sir." The officer answered.

Kylo was ready to slash his light saber into the console in front of him. Once again, despite all the technology and personnel at his disposal he had missed her again. She could literally be anywhere by now.

Anywhere, with that tall, tan, and he hated to admit it to himself, severely good-looking man who seemed to have trouble keeping his hands to himself.

He turned on his heel and escaped out the door of the bridge into the cold corridor. He entered his chambers and grabbed the first thing his eyes fell to, a simple water pitcher on the table across from the bed. He Force pulled it toward himself, the instant it touched his hands he threw it back across the room shattering the pitcher and the table it had sat upon.

How was it so easy for her to move on when he lived in daily agony in the absence of her presence?

He pulled the data pad out of his pocket once again. The black screen reflected his own image back at him before he activated it, his face, scarred, by her hand. His skin was white and his nose and ears protruded wildly. He would never mean anything to her.

He was a monster. She had said so herself. The terror and hatred in her eyes in the woods in Takodana had said it all. When their minds were bridged he reminded her again of her words, "I am a monster." He had said it in anger, yet hoping with everything inside him that she would stop him, correct him, disagree with him. Anything.

She hadn't.

His heart sunk again as he remembered her silent agreement.

Then she came to him, and he had saved her life from Snoke. As much as it hurt when she left, he would do it all again in a heartbeat. She wasn't his to protect though, much as he wanted to protect her. She would probably never want that. In reality, he knew she would probably never need his protection but she had awakened a compassion in him that he didn't know what to do with.

He activated the data pad, a little red light alerted him there was a new transmission coming in. Kylo watched the live video with his jaw clinched and his lips forming a soft pout.

Rey.

From the angle of the video, he guessed it had been recorded by a BB unit. Rey and her companions were walking along a street in Coruscant. The group walked swiftly past the droid but Kylo could tell they were ducking into an elevator to one of the busy launching pads in the heart of Coruscant. It was busy enough that it was nearly impossible to trace passengers due to the high volume.

It was all he had though. Knowing the order to halt launches would never be transmitted fast enough to a private company, he typed out an order to secure the records from the launch service. It was all he could do.

Ben hit the comm unit on his desk, "Tell the port operators in Coruscant to be on the lookout for a Corillian Freighter. If they see one, tell them to stall it and hold it until they get First Order clearance."


	3. Chapter 3

"Your son is dead."

Kylo Ren sat up in bed, the dream of his father dying, sacrificing his life for his son, Ben, always drove him to wakefulness.

Kylo had spat those words at his father. Snoke had such a tight grip on him then, he was almost convinced of those words. No one had called him Ben Solo in such a long time. He often felt like that part of him died the night his uncle, Luke, tried to murder him in his sleep. That day on Starkiller Base, he felt Han, he knew he was there before he saw him. His father, who had loved him. Han could never bring himself to parent though. He who had never found where he belonged himself couldn't offer belonging to anyone.

His mother, Leia was so strong she had never minded. Leia found belonging in her work, she always had. She was strong enough to let Han go, sure, she hated to see him climb aboard the Millennium Falcon, but she managed. Ben on the other hand always felt adrift and alone during his father's absences, like his life was a in a random loop and he was always waiting. He waited for his father to come home and then waited for him to leave, but hoped against hope that this time he wouldn't.

Kylo boarded his command ship for Jakku. Officially, they were on a mission to root out rebels gathering the in a small desert village. Something inside Kylo though, just wanted to be somewhere that reminded him of Rey. He wanted to stand under the sun that had once warmed her skin, kissed her face. Perhaps he would feel something of her there, something she left behind that would fill his ever present ache for her.

The battery of the beacon abandoned on the Millennium Falcon had not died, he had found out. It had taken him some time to recall the correct frequency it transmitted on, but once he had input that into the frequency defragmenter the signals began coming in. The beacon was older tech and the signal was weak. At some point though, the ship would come close enough to a signal receptor and he would have a coordinate he could trace.


	4. Chapter 4

Kylo Ren stepped off his command shuttle onto the course, irritating sand of Jakku. An AT-AT lay disheveled, on its side before him. In the distance he could see a scavenged Star Destroyer crash-landed in a sand dune.

For a brief moment, he considered ordering a group of maintenance officers to haul the rest of the remnants back to a First Order base to be recycled into new machinery. The losses caused by Admiral Holdo and her shameless attempt at heroics had taken some time to recover. The damage to the fleet had been significant but not critical. Hux's incompetence still grated irritatingly on Kylo Ren's nerves. The heavy-cruiser, Raddus had clearly been preparing to jump to light speed, yet in Hux's arrogance and inane ignorance, he did nothing. Kylo Ren once again considered dismissing Hux as he made his way through the shifting desert sand but First Order military leadership was currently in short supply.

Kylo Ren stopped in his tracks, suddenly he despised his position in the First Order, the administration and military order. It had never appealed to him. The power had seemed so seductive, alluring, but now he realized it was a yoke around his neck that brought neither joy nor peace.

He looked down where he stood, the rough grains were getting everywhere, his black shoes were covered. But as he looked closer, he saw the orange rebel insignia peeking through the sand, he reached his gloved hand down to brush the sand away exposing a white rebel flight helmet. Something about it caught his attention, his connection to the Force grew stronger as he pulled it out of the sand.

Rey.

Standing alone in the empty desert, he shook out the sand from the inside of helmet. Slowly, he raised it up and pulled it onto his head.

He was overwhelmed by the feeling of her.

Loneliness. Intense and palpable, it wrapped around him in a stranglehold.

He longed for his family as he felt her ache for hers. And he longed for Rey.

Then he saw the vision. Her dream. Like the time he interrogated her on Starkiller Base he could see her life, but stronger and more detailed now.

He saw himself as a boy, stepping into a transport vehicle to the Jedi training academy, he saw himself sitting alone, looking out into the night sky aching for belonging, never fitting in. Training. Light sabers flashing. Snoke in his thoughts. The pull to the dark side. The Knights of Ren.

He saw himself in his mask, light saber drawn, Rey as a young girl, frightened, scared looking up at him and trembling with fear.

He pulled off the helmet and threw it in the sand. He would have done anything in that moment to take the fear away. It was impossible.

No wonder she only saw him as a monster. The Force had connected them for years. Rey knew his fall, his decent into the darkness. He threatened her in her very dreams.

He walked toward the fallen AT-AT, suddenly unsure he wanted to continue, but the search could lead him closer to her, and who he should be.

It breathed Rey's essence. The scratches on the wall beckoned him neigh. He had seen her making the little marks in his own dreams. Kylo Ren slowly removed his black glove and reverentially touched the metal sheet, etched daily with care. She had touched it, full of desperation, pain, and yet he could still feel it, hope. His dreams of her hadn't been random, made up images, they were visions of her daily routine. How long had the Force connected them and why?

* * *

Kylo Ren sat in the pilot seat of his command shuttle as it settled in to the rhythmic rocking of light speed. He knew he had to rejoin the fleet and he knew the galaxy was too large, too vast for him to aimlessly search for Rey on his own, but he wished he could.

His eyes fell on the small object resting on the seat beside him. A handmade doll, fashioned to look like a Rebel fighter pilot. He knew he would have to hide it, but he didn't care. It was all he had of Rey, all he would likely ever have of Rey and he couldn't leave it behind.

Kylo Ren reached for the doll, the moment he touched it he felt the air thicken around him, the Force sparking and crashing in waves into his body. He looked around the ship.

Rey.

"What are you doing here?" He stumbled backwards.

Rey reached to tug the bow staff off her shoulder.

"Not this again…" he mumbled, struggling to gain a stance in his shock.

"Why are you here? This hasn't happened since, Snoke?" Rey looked around but stood at ready.

"I don't know," he shook his head.

"Is that…my doll?" She asked suddenly intrigued and lowering her staff, "Where did you get it?"

Kylo Ren glanced down to the doll still in his hand, "You can see this?" he asked holding it up.

She raised her eyebrows, obviously feeling the answer was self evident.

"Right…you might guess where I've been."

"Jakku?" She said, reaching for the doll.

"I'm not sure that will work," he muttered, also not sure he wanted to give it away, even to the rightful owner.

She paused and looked at him. "Why were you in Jakku?"

"Old ships…rebellion…different things." He realized this line of questioning wasn't good for him.

A puzzled look crossed her face. "I didn't think I would see you again."

Kylo Ren wanted to reach out to her but he didn't dare, he just looked at her steadily, but then as quickly as she had appeared, she was gone.


	5. Chapter 5

"Please."

Kylo Ren's lips pressed together tighter as he remembered the words escaping. He was on the bridge monitoring the results a mining mission for Haysian ore, but the memories forced themselves to the surface of his mind unbidden.

He had begged Rey to stay. Everything he'd told himself about his reasons and motivations had slipped away in that moment.

He reminded himself he had needed her help, he would never have been able to defeat Snoke without her. He would never have survived the battle with the Praetorian Guards without her. He needed her and her powerful connection to the Force.

Her raw energy.

That was all. That was his plan all along, to gain her compassion and use it for his own purposes. Then it was done.

He was the new Supreme Leader. He had the power all for himself but all he wanted at that moment was for Rey to stay by his side. He would have shared everything with her, all of it.

All his reason had flown away into space and his senses left him completely. All he wanted was her, all of her.

But she held on, to everything he was not. She wouldn't let go. She never would. He knew that now.

He had thought she would see reason, see how they could change the galaxy into anything they wanted it to be. If she had only let go.

Or maybe he was the one that needed to let go.

Maybe the past didn't die that day.

Maybe he was carrying it with him, inside of him, part of him.

"Are the results satisfactory, sir?" The officer looked to him expectantly, his face beaming with pride.

Kylo Ren looked back at the view screen, numbers, scores and grades filled his view shaking him back to reality.

"Yes, it is fine," he turned to the officer, he paused briefly. "Thank you," he finished.

The officer's eyes grew wide at the appreciation from the Supreme Leader, so rarely given if ever. The man took several deep breaths to steady himself.

Kylo Ren turned away and walked off the bridge.

* * *

Really, he should have been sleeping but Kylo Ren sat on the single chair in his chamber.. He was due to be on duty in a mere five standard hours but he couldn't stop thinking about his grandfather, Darth Vader. One time, Luke had told him that in the end, Darth Vader turned to the light, that he was conflicted all his life. At the time, Ben assumed Luke had been lying, but on this night, in the silence, he couldn't help questioning if perhaps it was true.

Without warning, the air became heavy and saturated with the Force, he stood to his feet. He would be ready this time, she was always prepared with a weapon, always ready to attack. He chastised himself for not being likewise at the ready. He Force pulled his saber to his hand from across the room just as she was beginning to materialize.

This time was different though. Rey wasn't standing on her feet aiming a weapon at him. She was laying down, fast asleep.

He approached her carefully, he knew it was unwise, if she woke up and saw him close to her she would no doubt figure out some way to inflict harm on him even given the boundaries of the Force connection. Against his better judgement though, he stepped forward. She didn't awaken though, and as he crept closer he could see her sleeping fitfully. Her hand moved slightly and she puckered her lips as if in a sob. She drew in a shaky breath, he could tell she was crying in her dream. He wanted to fix it all for her; he also felt a pang of guilt because from what he had seen of her nightmares, he was the reigning villain.

Short of waking her though, which he had already established as strictly unadvisable, he couldn't think of much to do. Carefully, he knelt down beside her, the Force had conveniently placed her image over his bed, which made much more sense than her floating somewhere in his room. So, he knelt on the floor by his bed and reached a finger up to her face, and gently smoothed her soft, brown hair away, tucking it back and letting his fingers stroke her tangled hair for a second.

She settled at his touch. He marveled at this ability to calm her. Had it been his touch or could she sense him close to her, even though he was lightyears away?

He pulled closer to her still, her face was calm, peaceful. She snuggled into a pillow. He traced his finger through her hair, and slowly, quietly, placed a soft kiss against her forehead.

He sat back on his heels, watching her rest peacefully. He glanced at the clock on the wall, it was not very long until his shift. He looked back to Rey, but she was gone. He felt the Force slowly return to normal around him. Something inside him, he knew though, would never be the same.


	6. Chapter 6

~Naboo, three standard months later~

There she was, right in front of him. Not a dream. Not a memory. Not a vision bridged by the Force to his mind. Rey was there in the flesh.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the secretly paid spies he'd hired had found her on Naboo.

Kylo Ren pulled his black hood over his dark wavy hair but stayed hidden in the shadows of the forest just near the clearing of the meadow. Rey sat in the green grass, several meters away, watching the water flow by in the stream before her. Her friends, the shabby Resistance band she was traveling with, had moved away, discussing some terrorist plot no doubt, he grimaced at the thought before turning back to Rey. She had remained behind, seemingly searching for peace and stillness.

Kylo Ren wondered if maybe she had been thinking of him, if she ever thought of him. He pushed the thought out of his mind, it was enough just to see her now.

He knew he should stay in the shadows, but he had to move closer, he longed to feel the movement in the Force around her.

Rey tucked her knees up, hugging her legs to herself.

"She looks lonely," Kylo thought, feeling the familiar ache inside himself. Before he could stop himself and let logic and reason hold him back, he lifted his hand toward her, extending his reach in the Force.

Suddenly, her head came up.

No! What had he done?

"Rey, we are ready to leave." Kylo heard a voice saying from the direction of the misfit band of rebels.

Rey called back an answer. The owner of the voice must have been satisfied because no other bidding came.

Kylo's breaths were shallow as he watched, still in the shadows, knowing in a moment she would be gone. He soaked in every movement she made, every feeling he could sense from her.

Rey closed her eyes and rubbed her head slightly.

Then she looked right at him.

His breath caught in his throat. He was frozen in place. The shadows, his cloak, none of it hid him from her intent gaze.

Her face didn't show fear. Kylo searched for the hatred she felt in the woods of Takadona but it wasn't there.

Everything he had done. Her dreams of him. Everything was against him. He waited for her to draw her blaster from its holster and aim it at him, as she always seemed to do.

But she didn't move, she just watched him, completely still.

He would never have been able to say how long they stayed there like that, unmoving, their eyes locked on each other's, each searching the other's feelings through the Force.

He didn't know where the strength came from, but finally, he turned to go. He had no words to say, no message to give her. Nothing could ever change between them.

He took a few steps deeper into the woods.

"Wait," she called, "don't go, please."


	7. Chapter 7

Kylo Ren turned, hesitantly, uncertain. Rey was pulling herself to her feet, but she stopped short of following him. He looked at her, silently, reaching for her feelings through the Force. There was so much there it became garbled. He didn't want to probe her mind as he had before, he respected her too much for that now.

"I wanted to stay," Rey said, softly but just loud enough for him to hear her.

He shook his head, not understanding.

"You left me for dead." Kylo Ren answered, the anger he'd thought was long gone bubbled to the surface and threatened to overcome him.

"You didn't give me a choice," Rey took a step toward him then.

"I offered you everything I have!" He cried forgetting the rebels and hiding and everything around them.

"You'll never change." She stopped, her lip quivering.

"I'm still a monster, aren't I? I always will be." He looked down at his feet, "The monster who haunts your dreams and chases you with a light saber."

"No," she answered, tears streaking her cheeks, "it wasn't always like that."

He raised his eyes to look into hers, willing himself not to, but moving closer to her anyway.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"I saw you before, when we were younger, in my dreams, when there was good in you. Then, when you tried to push it all away...Leia, she gave up hope but I can feel the conflict in you. I wanted you to choose the light but you, you didn't." Her voice cracked and broke as she finished, "I wanted you to be Ben Solo, but you're not."

Kylo Ren stared at her in disbelief, "You...you were trying to use me for your own purposes, don't try to deny it!"

"Oh, and your motivations had nothing to do with me, helping you survive killing Snoke?" She shot back.

"I'm not the one claiming to be good here." He answered, watching her closely.

Rey looked at him for a long moment. "See, I couldn't stay." She whispered.

He nodded, biting his lips together in an attempt to hold his emotions in check.

"There's nothing else?" He asked.

Rey closed her eyes, the tears escaped unheeded, "You know I feel it too."

"I don't think I can be who you want me to be." He said, his voice rough.

"I know," she answered, "but I don't think you are...who you want to be either."

He was quiet a moment, he knew she was right, but it didn't matter, it was all too late. He turned to go, broken and alone.

"Wait," she said again, stopping him instantly with a single word. Then she asked, "what if I need you?"

"You won't," he answered bitterly, "you never have, and you never will."


	8. Chapter 8

"No, what if-" Rey began again.

"Rey!" A man called from somewhere behind her, "Are you ready to go?" The man jogged out into the meadow but froze suddenly when he saw Kylo Ren. It was the man from the video, Kylo Ren realized, the one who had been guiding Rey through the crowd so protectively. He realized then who it was, Poe Dameron, it had been difficult to see in the low quality footage.

He looked back to Rey, and smiled crookedly, a half, lopsided, sad smile.

"You'll be fine," he said, the moment bitter sweet. She would be safe, whole, complete and loved...without him.

"Kylo," she said, her voice pleading, "you can still come to the light. Luke believed, no one is ever really lost."

"It's too late...for everything." He turned to go once more. "Stay away from the systems in the outer rim for a while."

"Why?" She asked quickly.

He paused for just a second but then kept walking. He trudged through the forest until he was deep in the woods where his ship waited, hidden. His breathing was fast and his heart beat erratically as he climbed aboard.

He regretted pretty much every word he had uttered during their encounter. He knew he shouldn't have let on about the First Order's plans to crack down on rebels in the outer rim systems but he couldn't stop himself from trying to protect her. Even if she chose to put herself in dangerous situations by aligning herself with hooligans and thugs.

He was fairly certain his obsession with keeping Rey safe was stopping him from being an effective leader of the First Order, how many times had he already delayed an order to fire on a squadron or search a rebel base for fear that she could be killed in the process. He's already allowed countless rebels to escape. He put that thought on the pile of self loathing to take back out and examine at a later time.

Kylo Ren thought about Dameron, he'd interrogated that man before, he could have stopped him then and there. He shook his head as he stepped into his cockpit and a prepared the ship for take off. It was no use thinking like that, Poe wasn't the problem, not really, just a result. Kylo Ren questioned why people even bothered to rebel, couldn't they see the good he was trying to accomplish for them all?

He knew he should have hated Rey for all her arrogance and resistance, but he couldn't. He'd given up hating her too long ago to try to start again.

She was moving on, he needed to as well.

One day, maybe she would give up her anarchist schemes and see that the beings of the galaxy required a leadership, a pooling of resources. Without these things, systems trudged along in poverty and squalor for millennia.

But her face. Her voice. She had wanted to stay with him. If only he been Ben Solo.

Ben Solo.

It was hopeless. He knew it was, there was no going back, he had come too far, crossed a line of no reversal. Ben Solo was dead, just like he had told his father.

Han.

His father had believed until the end that he would come around, back to the light.


	9. Chapter 9

"Supreme Leader," General Hux began, his voice a blend of irritation and feigned respect, "we have intelligence that a group of Resistance leadership has landed in the Bespin system."

Kylo Ren turned to look Hux in the eyes.

"At your order, sir, we have bombers in place to destroy the location and the rebel scum inside."

Kylo Ren grimaced inwardly, he knew he should have directed Hux to shift his focus onto resource management, he was getting a little too effective finding rebel bases.

"General Hux, as the First Order has achieved complete control of the galaxy, I am beginning to feel your obsession with the eradication of rebel efforts is becoming a distraction not worthy of your attention." He turned away from Hux then, indicating the matter was closed.

"Supreme Leader, you can't be serious, we are so close, to let a few ragtag rebels survive now to go elsewhere in the galaxy and spread their virus seems unwise when we are so close to completion." Hux countered.

Kylo Ren felt an immense pull to agree with the sniveling man and simply be done with the matter, but his conviction that Rey must be among that last bands of the survivors of the Resistance would not let him give the order.

Rey was both the peace and the chaos of his heart. He couldn't let her die.

"To destroy them now would turn them into martyrs. Better to let them continue to try in their pitiful way and hobble along in failure as an example of the strength of the First Order." Kylo Ren decided the matter and left the bridge without another word.

Kylo Ren entered his chambers and fell to his knees just as the doors closed behind him. He had failed. He knew it then. He could never be the leader the First Order needed.

Kylo Ren reached for the communications unit in his chamber, he signaled the comms officer on the bridge. "Prepare a message, send it to every populated planet and moon in the galaxy." He commanded, "Tell them to prepare delegations to send to the Old Republic Senate facility on Coruscant."


	10. Chapter 10

Kylo Ren stepped into the hall of the old senate chambers. He nodded politely to the Bespin delegation passing in front of him. He was prepared to turn power back to the people. It was no use trying to rule with an iron fist. The responsibility was too much for one individual. He didn't want the job, and he didn't trust Hux to do it well. Let the people decide for themselves. If chaos and anarchy took the day, they have only themselves to blame.

He straighten his shoulders and readied himself to go, that's when he felt her. Rey.

He turned to see her leaning against the doorframe several meters away.

"You're here," he said moving closer. She didn't stir to meet him, just waited for him to cross the hall and close the distance between them.

"I'm here," she answered, "apparently there was very little competition for leadership from Jakku because they contacted me and asked me to represent them with the small handful of dignitaries they were sending."

Kylo Ren nodded sadly but said, "That's a good idea."

Her manner was cold and unfamiliar to him, he wanted to tell her so many things but door that had been opened to her mind when he interrogated her so long ago, when she probed his mind as well and the bridge between them opened, whatever it was that he had felt with her before seemed to have closed.

"You mean to reinstate the Galactic Senate?" She asked, as if she just needed to be sure it wasn't some horrible trick, she needed to hear him say it.

"Yes," he whispered.

"It's good," she said.

He nodded silently, he knew he should be in the senate chamber and people were waiting for him, but there was one more thing he had to tell her.

He looked into her hazel eyes, "I'm sorry," he said.

Rey exhaled, and dipped her head a moment. "Me too," She replied.

"I need to..." he began, finding it difficult to tear himself away from her still.

"No, go..." she smiled starting to reach for his arm but thinking better of it, "I can't wait to hear your speech." She smiled but Kylo Ren thought he saw tears glistening in her eyes.

He nodded and silently turned from her.

Finally, he was ready to relinquish the power he had always thought would make him the man he wanted to be, only to find that the power was empty and the one person he wanted most in the entire galaxy did not need him.


	11. Chapter 11

~One standard year later~

The invitation for the gala was lost in a sea of New Republic communications. It caught his eye though.

Please join us in celebrating the appointment of Rey of Jakku as Senator to the Galactic Senate.

Ben Solo ran his fingers over the datapad. He swelled with pride for her, pleased that she was being recognized by her people. She deserved it.

The pain though, that he found out, in this way, that he was on the outside, it was worse than any physical pain he had ever experienced. That his life and hers would forever be separate and he could never be a part of her story, was a constant struggle for him.

The evening was warm and the soft breeze was rare and weak. Ben's dark shirt felt rough against his neck in the irritating, sandy air. He walked into the hall, he assumed it was likely the finest in Jakku, but that really wasn't saying very much.

He eventually found Rey in the sea of people. She was as beautiful as ever, though she didn't look so much like the Rey he remembered, there in the fine dress and ornate hairstyle.

"I'm so glad you came, I had something to ask you," she blushed slightly, "I wanted to ask you in person."

Ben felt his heart quicken at her words though he hated himself for it.

"What is it?"

"I'm going to be busy," she laughed, "you'll probably think it's a bad idea, with this and everything." She motioned to the crowded room around them.

He shook his head, a bit confused.

"I want to start a Jedi academy." Her voice was low, "I want you to help me teach. It doesn't have to be all the time, it's whatever you would be comfortable with." Rey finished quickly.

Ben was overcome with the idea of seeing her more often, working with her toward some common good, redeeming himself through the investment in young Jedi lives. The thought of being near her again particularly stood out to him.

"It does seem like a lot of work for you," he answered, afraid to appear too eager lest her plans fail to come to fruition.

"It would be too much if I were doing it alone," she said.

Ben exhaled, she wanted to depend on him.

She continued, "Poe will be there of course, when I'm busy with Senate business."

Ben felt as if the planet stopped turning in that moment.

"Poe...Dameron." He said, the name sticking in his mouth.

"Yes, he..." she started.

"I know...him, we...met before." He nodded, avoiding her eyes now.

"Oh, on Naboo that day?" Rey asked.

"Before that," he answered.

"Oh," Rey seemed embarrassed.

He hadn't meant to make her uncomfortable and regretted his inability to pretend more effectively in social interactions, he felt he had been improving with socializing and politics but Rey unnerved him completely.

"I am also quite busy these days," he nodded graciously, "but I'm sure I could stop by from time to time."

Rey smiled. "That would be wonderful." She drew close to him for a moment and placed a quick kiss on his cheek, as if they were old friends who had simply been apart for a great long while and it had been so good to see each other.

Ben clinched his jaw slightly, holding his emotions in check. He had never been that close to her, though he had dreamt he had. He saw Poe approaching, he gave polite nod as the man encircled Rey's waist with his arm and pulled her into a quick embrace, whispering something in her ear. Her face lit up and she looked over his shoulder, she glanced back quickly to Ben.

"Excuse me, Ben. We'll talk soon." She said and floated away into the crowd.

Ben mingled in the crowd a few moments, he recognized several dignitaries he needed to speak with anyway. Then he came across FN-2187, though he reminded himself the man liked to be called Finn these days. He supposed he wasn't the only one who had changed his name.

"So Rey and Poe..." Ben's voice betrayed more of his emotion than he would have preferred.

"Yeah, I know." Finn nodded smiling.

Ben glanced at Finn, "I always thought it would be you and Rey." He said, less bitter than he felt.

Fun laughed and shook his head. "There was a time I thought so too, but her and Poe, it happened just after Crait, and she was so happy, I couldn't have done anything to take that away from her."

Ben nodded and said, "She does seem very happy."


	12. Chapter 12

The school was a repurposed casino in Canto Bight. Ben stepped inside and felt immediately the irony of the juxtaposition of the finery and luxury of the decor and the simple furnishings placed around the room for the students to sit and practice.

The school seemed still and silent at first, his anxiety built inside him and his anticipation of seeing Rey once more grew. He knew it was entirely on his side and while that hurt, it did nothing to make the experience less real or intense.

He had debated joining her this way, he knew it would cause him disappointment and pain but in the end, he couldn't turn her down when she needed him.

It was Poe who found him first, wondering the classrooms.

"Hey, great! You're here!" Poe approached him confidently.

Ben felt a sudden urge to Force push the man into the wall but he chastised himself for the thought and focused everything he had into responding in a socially acceptable, polite way.

"Yes," Ben answered, wondering if he was in fact going to be able to pull this balancing act off as he had imagined.

"Rey is so happy you agreed to help." Poe smiled, "She can really use the help too."

"At least she has you here," Ben smiled, or tried to anyway.

"Yeah, apparently I'm Force sensitive!" He laughed. "There was this tree back home...anyway, Rey had me take this test she found in one of the Jedi texts and..." he shrugged his shoulders, casually.

"So you are getting trained as well." Ben finished for him.

"Yeah," Poe answered, "Hey, here she is!" He said, turning to welcome Rey into the room by touching her arm and guiding her to stand beside him. Ben marveled at Rey's long suffering attitude toward Poe's patronage.

Rey showed him around the academy, each of the classrooms and exercise halls. He reveled in her closeness just following her through the halls, feeling the Force around her comforted him more than he would have ever admitted.

Poe stayed with them for part of the tour but then excused himself saying something about a new test ship, leaving the two of them alone. Rey explained her teaching plans and asked him for his input repeatedly, carefully referring to his time with Luke while skirting around sensitive issues they both knew would lead to pain.

As she finished in the top floor Rey motioned back to the elevator and Ben stepped aboard. She filed in behind him. Ben turned to her, the vision of her standing beside him as they traveled through the Supremacy to Snoke's throne room invaded his conscience. She must have sensed the direction of his thoughts.

"Very different now, isn't it?" She said, clearly trying to lighten the mood but he couldn't follow her there as he wished he could, he just looked at her, his eyes searching her face. He couldn't see any of the feeling he had for her, the memory didn't touch her as it did him.

The elevator doors opened and Poe stood there, happy and enthusiastic as ever, "Rey, you have to try this thing, you'll love it!" He said holding up a hologram image of a ship that Ben thought looked a bit dangerous.

"I don't know," Rey said politely, "I'm a little busy." She motioned to Ben.

"Come on, just once around the island." Poe grabbed her arm and pulled her away from Ben without another look back.


	13. Chapter 13

The commotion outside the academy doors was the first indication that something had gone terribly wrong. Ben searched the Force for Rey. He felt her, but only weakly. Panic seized him. He bolted through the door to find the ship from the holopad crashed in the field across from the old casino turned school. A growing crowd of beings and droids were already searching through the wreckage.

He saw her then, bleeding and unconscious.

Poe was pushing himself feebly out of the pilot's seat beside her, aided by emergency personnel.

Ben's hatred toward Poe would have filled a large fathomless hole if it could have been contained as Rey lay motionless and broken.

Ben pushed aside a medical droid clumsily attempting to lift her from the passenger seat of the two seat craft. He lifted Rey into his arms, holding her close to his chest and took off toward the medical bay in the academy.

Rey lay alone in the med bay with droids buzzing around her, checking her vital signs and administer treatment. Poe had been transferred back to his quarters to rest so aside from Rey, Ben was the only human occupant of the room.

He approached her bedside as a medical droid moved away, leaving him a space.

He found a stool and rolled it over so that he could be closer to her eye level.

"How are you doing?" He asked, his voice gentle and quiet. The way he longed to be with her always, but decorum demanded a formal manner.

Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled faintly as she focused on him, "I've been better." She whispered.

He nodded, "Poe is out of medical care for now, he's resting."

She blinked to indicate she understood, it was easier than nodding in her weakened state.

Ben reached toward her, he wanted to infuse her with his power in the Force knowing it would help her recover faster. He was unsure if she would welcome such a gesture, especially from him.

He slowly reached for her hand anyway, against his level headed, better judgement. But when his fingers touched hers he felt her hand turn to encircle his, welcoming his touch.

The Force crackled in the space between them as their hands touched, it was intense and furious.

"I missed you," she whispered, her eyes closed.

Ben fought against the lump in his throat, trying to maintain his voice, "I missed you too." He answered, wanting to say so much more but still holding it back.

"Why didn't you find me, after that day on Naboo?" She asked her eyes open and searching his dark, sad eyes, "I needed you, I was so scared."

He shook his head. "You didn't need me, Rey." His long held belief fought her words in his mind.

"I had all these new powers and I didn't know what to do with them, you...offered, to teach me." Her mouth contorted as she too fought to maintain control, "But you didn't."

"I couldn't help you. I didn't even know who I was." He gripped her hand tighter, instilling her with strength, pouring power into her. The old connection opening again, he wanted to stay in that moment forever, never letting it close ever again.

"You didn't...but I did." She said, her eyes not leaving his.

He lowered his face to her hand, brushing his lips against her fingers.

"I'm sorry," he confessed.

"Ben," she said, her grip tightening around his hand.

His eyes met hers, he could feel her pulling his mind through the Force, guiding him to the inner most thoughts of her own, the ones she kept tucked away, that he would never presume to sense. He hesitated, she was weak and tired, what if she regretted this later, when Poe was back.

"Please, Ben," she said sensing his resistance.

He followed her then, through the pathways of her mind that led him to see her vision of the past. His proposal, her rejection, what it had cost her, her longing for him and her regret filled his mind. He began to pull away from her, it was too painful to see what he had done to her, the cost, his love for her, had inflicted.

"No," he whispered.

"You need to know." She said, undeterred.

"You locked it away." He answered. Reminding her it must be there for a reason, he pulled away from her but she held him through the Force, saying, "Stay with me."


	14. Chapter 14

Ben could see her memory like a dream.

Rey sat in a bunk on the Millennium Falcon, he recognized the periphery immediately, he had grown up on that ship.

She felt cold, shivery, and lonely, but she could see other rebels around her, they were traveling at light speed.

"Hey, you need another blanket, Rey? I think I saw one over here."

It was Poe. The charming, dangerously attractive, perfect hair Poe.

"Thank you, I'm a little cold." Ben heard Rey answer as another strong shiver rocked her body.

"Well, you're shaking like a leaf." Poe answered unfolding the blanket and tucking it securely around her.

"I'm shaking because..." she didn't want to finish, didn't know why she had even started, but she looked into Poe's pure, honest eyes and made a decision, "because I'm a little scared."

Poe's eyes grew wide. "Oh, you get used to all this," he motioned to the scene of general chaos around them, "you don't need to be afraid."

Ben could feel Rey's smile warm her spirit as she looked into Poe's open face. "I'd never left Jakku until a week ago. Most times it all feels fine, and I'm brave." She laughed, "but sometimes when it's quiet...it's not." She finished, avoiding his face for a moment but then after the silence held, she looked up.

Poe looked into her young, pure eyes, Ben could tell the man fell in love in that moment.

"I'm not going to let anything happen to you," he said.

Ben let out the air in his lungs he didn't realize he's been holding captive.

"I didn't know...for a long time about you and Poe." He said to Rey, as she looked at him from the med bay bed, "it was different for me."

Rey nodded, perhaps she had known, been able to sense him from across the stars.

"It's a good thing though," he nodded, hoping he was lying convincingly, "I'm glad you found someone who makes you happy."

He squeezed her hand, trying to really believe those words, to make them true in his mind so maybe she would believe him.


	15. Chapter 15

Rey closed her eyes as he moved away, Ben wondered for a moment if she was grieving the loss of their closeness as he was, but he wouldn't let himself indulge the thought.

Why was it so difficult to let her go?

Just as he had asked her to let go of the past so long ago, why couldn't he let her go to her new life, her present, her future. The man who loved her when she needed him was by her side. Poe hadn't been off dealing with his own demons struggling with the past, he knew who he was, he knew who he wanted and he made it happened.

What had Ben done? He'd gotten lost himself and lost Rey in turn. He should have told her that day on Naboo, he should have never turned and left. He should have told her then he intended to give up the position of Supreme Leader and ask her again to stay with him.

Why didn't he?

He left her alone. When she was scared, and lonely, and needing a family and a teacher. He could have been that family, but he missed his chance. His chance at wholeness, oneness, with the woman he loved.

He fought the self hatred that always lead him to the dark side. He looked back at her, already sleeping on the med bay bunk, he turned to go.

"Ben," she called softly.

"I thought you were asleep." He answered.

"I could feel you leaving through the Force." She said, her eyes still closed.

"I think you are more sensitive to the connection than I am." He shook his head, "I'll let you get some rest."

"It's because you shut yourself off from it." Rey whispered.

He bowed his head, that was probably true. Since he heard about Rey and Poe he had placed a wall between himself and Rey, he couldn't block everything and he couldn't change his feelings but he'd built the best wall he could to keep the pain of separation at bay.

Rey held out her hand weakly, "Stay with me, please."

The words as he had spoken them.

Ben lost all composure as he crossed the room to her bedside. He knelt beside her and buried his face in her hair, letting his tears fall freely.

He worried he was disturbing her but he could feel through the Force that she had fallen asleep again. The pain and medication had become a potent mix she couldn't withstand any longer and she had let sleep claim her at last.

"Hey, thanks for staying with her."

Ben woke, feeling somebody shaking his arm gently. He opened his eyes and realized he too, had fallen asleep in the med bay, his head resting on the side of Rey's bunk. He shook his head slightly to clear the sleep away from his thoughts.

Rey was still asleep, and the one shaking him awake was Poe.

He formed his lips into what he hoped was a pleasant smile.

"You look better," he told Poe.

Poe nodded, "I'm doing alright, thanks. I got it from here, the droid told me you've been here for hours. Thanks for staying with her, again."

Ben could tell Poe was somewhat anxious for him to leave, but if he had made the man feel pain of any kind it could have only been a fraction of what Ben had suffered at his hands for the past year and half.

Ben pushed back from the bed, the chair rolling beneath him, but he still held Rey's limp hand in his own. He had never been near her so long before and he was loath to release her hand from his, as it seemed to fit so well there.

"I'll be back." He pressed the thought into her mind through the Force.

He released her hand and after giving Poe one more look he truly hoped was more charitable than he felt, he left the med bay.


	16. Chapter 16

Ben lifted his folded clothing out of the drawer and placed them in the small bag he had brought. He barely suppressed a sigh.

He had thought he could handle being around her, he had welcomed it, in fact. But seeing her again, feeling her essence in the Force had been far more painful than he had anticipated. He needed more time, he decided, he would come back when he was ready to see her moved on, in Poe's arms.

The bag felt like a metal weight slung over his shoulder as he headed down the hall. A young boy was just arriving for training, he couldn't have been more than eight years old. He had a small pack on his back and looked up at Ben somewhat fearfully as he passed slowly. The boy's large eyes took in every detail but there was also something else.

"Are you lost?" Ben asked, making an extra effort to keep his tone light and friendly, the boy looked frightened enough.

The boy beheld him more intently then, but he didn't answer his question, instead he asked, "Are you Kylo Ren?"

Ben felt a dagger dig into his stomach at the question. That name hurt him on the best of days, but this day, from this young frightened boy, it was agony. He bit his lower lip a moment before answering.

"Not anymore." He shook his head, "its Ben now."

"Did you just get here too?" The boy followed up.

Ben remembered the bag on his shoulder, matching that of the young lad, he hesitated. He hadn't considered that he would frighten the children that he had come to train. The boy noticed none of his inner turmoil.

"Do you know where I'm supposed to go?" His little voice asked.

Ben felt his resolve melting.

"I actually think the students are in the other wing," Ben answered, the boy turned around, the wrong direction, hopelessly lost.

Ben did sigh then. "Let me put my own bag down and I'll take you there."


	17. Chapter 17

"I have something to show you," Rey said brightly as she passed Ben in the hall. She made a small motion for him to follow her, which he obeyed. She led the way into the small library, it had been a butler's closet before, housing bottles of chems for all manner of casino patron. It turned out those shelves were perfectly spaced for books. A plain wooden chest in the corner of the room bore a lock, Ben had wondered more than once as to the contents but hadn't inquired, assuming it was a collection of Rey's personal items. She fit the key into the lock and popped it open. Ben watched carefully lift the lid.

He took in a breath quickly. The ancient Jedi texts lay gently cradled inside. Luke always kept them carefully tucked away in the Jedi temple, Ben had never thought that Rey might have taken them.

"I thought they had all gone up in flames," he reached a lightly trembling had toward the chest, "Bilko said the tree had burned, he found nothing."

Ben had only read a couple select passages from a few of the books. Luke was never one to share the texts themselves or loan them out to students who had a flare for the dark side.

Rey nodded, "I took them when I left Ahct-To, I never told Luke. He'd refused to help me." She sighed at the memory that still unsettled her, "he saw the dark side in me, I knew he wouldn't approve of my borrowing them. So, I sneaked them to the ship when I went to find…you." She dared a look at Ben then, but her eyes darted back to the books timidly.

"They were on the Falcon," Ben whispered, remembering how he had ordered so furiously that they shoot it out of the sky. He sighed thinking of the loss the books would have been, "...Crait," he said quietly.

"Yes, they were with me," she nodded.

Ben looked at her then, he'd never realized she'd been aboard the Falcon during the Battle of Crait. He swallowed and clinched his teeth together to maintain his composure. Rey looked back at him then, not with anger or hatred, or even annoyance at his guilt that came all too late.

Forgiveness.

Nobody had ever looked at him that way before.

Without thinking, he reached for her, pulling her into his arms and holding her against his chest. She didn't stop him or push him away. He didn't tell her for the thousandth time that he was sorry. He just held her, bowing his head and burying his face in her hair. Rey reached her arms around his waist pulling closer to him still.

"Thank you." He said to her through the Force.

She nodded her head against him silently.


	18. Chapter 18

The students in Ben's class stared at him in disbelief. He couldn't help but laugh at their reaction.

"Who wants to try it?" He asked.

Using the Force to move light things and anticipate movement in objects was one thing, but the broken down x-wing from behind the casino? That seemed impossible.

The little boy Ben met in the hall a few standard months ago stepped forward, Kai was his name. Ben had learned and he was deeply sensitive to the Force. Kai was a local boy from Canto Bight who had been enslaved to care for the animals for years. He hadn't been freed until Ben signed a law from the New Republic Senate outlawing slaves of any kind.

"Excellent," Ben said, truly relieved because he feared this may be the only child in the bunch capable of such a feat just yet.

He crouched down next to the small boy, now bravely standing in front of the group of his peers.

"Do you feel the Force?" He asked the boy.

Kai nodded.

"Reach for the Force around the ship." Ben instructed.

The boy lifted his hand toward the ship, his mouth formed a tight line in concentration.

Just then something caught Ben's eye, distracting him.

It was Poe.

He was carrying a large bag over his shoulder, heading to a small freighter beside the x-wing.

Ben placed a hand on the boy's shoulder gently, "Wait a moment, let Dameron pass by."

The boy lowered his hand slowly, releasing his hold on the Force surrounding the ship.

Poe looked to Ben, he gave a slight nod, Ben didn't move, the emotions pouring off Poe into the Force were very intense.

Ben glanced back toward the academy. Rey stood at the door, Ben saw the light of the sun reflecting off a tear on her cheek.

He looked at Poe once more, who was staring back at Rey, silently. The two exchanged a small, mournful wave and then he was gone, jumping in the freighter and taking off into the sky.

"Look Master Solo!" A little girl behind him cried. She was pointing to the floating x-wing.

Ben smiled, "Nicely done, Kai."

He turned to the class and began explaining to their large, wonder-filled eyes how this feat was possible through the Force.

Rey hadn't met his eyes but he could feel her sadness and regret through the Force as she'd stood at the door watching Poe leave. As much as he wanted to leave the children after the class he knew it was wise to give her space. He accompanied the younglings to lunch with the other instructors as he usually did, listening to their easy laughter and stepping in when one of them tried to misuse the Force to play a practical joke on a classmate. But he could feel Rey's despondency through the Force, the connection with her was open once more.


	19. Chapter 19

There was a heaviness in the Force around Ben as he sat under the stars on the academy balcony. The water in the distance lapped onto the beach rhythmically. He'd been avoiding Rey for days. Giving her space after Poe's departure.

Time.

She taught her classes and was consumed by her work. He'd passed the gym and noticed her practicing her stances multiple times in the evenings. She seemed pleasant most days, nodding to him politely in the halls.

But the heaviness in the air around him opened up and he saw her there beside him. She was crying.

"Rey," he said, reaching for her.

She shook her head holding him back. "Why does this happen, at times like this?" She asked, trying to hide her tears by wiping them away quickly.

He didn't try to reach for her again, just watched her silently for a moment before looking back to the waves. The Force seemed to have its own ideas sometimes.

"You're crying," he said quietly, gently.

She looked up at him, "You aren't the only one with regrets." Her chin came up bravely, locking her eyes on his.

He sighed, "I'm sure whatever happened with Poe..." he really didn't want to finish that sentence, "...could be fixed. Maybe you two should just talk it over."

Rey let out a breath that could have been a laugh, but he wasn't sure.

"Poe knew it was time, he wasn't angry. We just, realized it wasn't right, not anymore. Maybe it never was." She turned from him and walked a few paces away.

"What do you regret?" He asked.

She turned to him then.

"You," she said, the corner of her mouth turned up in a sad, ironic sort of way, "it's too late for all that though. I know you don't think of me that way anymore. You made your offer so long ago, but you've moved on. I know." She lifted her hand as he took a step toward her, holding him away from her again, "And I thought I had too. I just wish I had realized some things before it was too late, with you."

The Force connection dissipated suddenly and he was left on the balcony alone. The air suddenly cold.

He looked around, his jaw working and lifted his hand absently to push the dark hair out of his face.

Then he turned and ran inside. He ran directly to Rey's room, he knocked on the door but found he couldn't wait for her to open it, he used the Force to push the lock tumbler out of the way and with his hands he pushed the door open.

Her room was empty.


	20. Chapter 20

Ben searched through the Force for her, but couldn't feel her anywhere nearby. He ran out of the academy into the night. The Millennium Falcon was missing. She must have been off planet when he saw her through the Force, he realized.

His room was quiet and still, everyone else had long since gone to bed.

"Where are you, Rey?" He whispered. Maybe if he could initiate the Force connection he could find her.

Ben fell to the floor in a meditative pose. If what he had read about in a Jedi text just recently was true, he should be able to concentrate and connect with Rey. After all, they already had some sort of link. It wouldn't be as hard as connecting with a random person.

He concentrated on her essence, the colors around her when she was near, but he couldn't locate her anywhere. He tried pulling her to him, drawing her in, but that was equally unsuccessful.

He pulled his knees up and rested his elbows against them, dipping his head into his hands. Wherever she went, she hadn't wanted him to follow.

He stood to his feet and walked into her room. He'd closed the door behind him but he hadn't locked it back. He stepped inside and looked around, searching for any clue as to where she went.

After covering the whole room he sat down on her bed. He was still several for minutes, just replaying their last conversation over and over in his mind.

"It's not too late," he whispered to the empty room.

Then he remembered the beacon he had left on the Falcon as a child. Nothing had ever come of it before, but if she was close enough to a signal receptor, it might send a ping.

He ran back to his room and pulled out his datapad with access to First Order systems. The beacon codes were etched in his memory like a scar. He began the search, holding his breath for an indeterminate amount of time.

There it was. A ping.

The Falcon was on Naboo.


	21. Chapter 21

Ben traced the beacon to the meadow where he had seen Rey. The jumped out of the cramped ship and into the soft grass as soon as the ship powered down. He searched through the Force, reaching for her essence.

She stood at the far end of the meadow just in the shadow of the tree line.

"Rey," he called her through the Force, quickly running across the expanse toward her.

She stood, facing him, arms wrapped around herself protectively, her face mournful.

"Rey," he said out loud as he came closer.

"Hello, Ben, you found me," she looked around her quietly, perhaps just to avoid his eyes.

"Come back with me, come home." He pleaded, his voice rough.

"I can't, I can't be around you." She shook her head, tears pouring down her face, "Its agony."

Her words were like a blow to his stomach, a dagger piercing his flesh. Everything he had wanted to say, everything he hoped she would say dissipated into the air around him.

"I'll pack up my things, I'll leave. I want you to be where you are happy, the academy was your idea, you love it. I won't take it from you." He knew too well the consequence of putting himself in any equation for Rey. He held his hand toward her. Open. Pleading.

"That's not what I want." She cried.

His hand slowly dropped.

"I feel your peace when you are there." She said.

Ben closed his eyes wishing he had been stronger for her. For so long, he thought he would never be able to stay in the Light side of the Force but he knew the Dark, and it did not tempt him anymore.

"I'll be alright, I'm never going back to the dark, don't worry about that. I know who I am." He paused, "I can find something else. I don't need to be there." He knew as he said the words they were true, as painful as they were to say.

Rey searched his eyes, tears choking her voice, "But what if I need you?"

The words she had spoken there before. The meaning was completely different now.

Ben stared at her, letting her words sink into his heart.

"I want you there. I feel your connection to the Force, when you're happy there and I want to be close to it. I want all of it. I want it to be mine. But it won't be there if you leave. I'll never stand by your side as your wife if you leave." Rey cried, "I just want you. I need you."

Ben realized suddenly that she had indeed seen the vision as he had that night when he touched her hand. The vision that had been taunting his mind for so long. Tears spilled down his face.

"You want me?" He asked, hearing but not yet believing her words, for as long as he could remember, people had wanted to use him, but nobody had ever wanted him that way.

She closed the distance between them, standing just in front of him, close enough to touch but she appeared to scared to reach for him.

He dropped to his knees in the grass at her feet, this woman he could never deserve needed him, wanted him, wanted to be his wife to be joined with him through eternity.

He reached for Rey, burying his face in her shirt, wrapping his arms around her and holding her close.

"Ben," she said his name softly, the way she had when he first realized, it was who he truly was. He raised his face to look in hers.

"I'm yours, my love," he said.

A teardrop fell from her chin onto his face. He stood to his full height, pulling her into his arms and lifting her off her feet. His fingers were tangled in her hair and his face was close to hers, as he felt her essence in the Force around her, pressed against him, and flowing through him. He felt her happiness, pure and complete.

Rey placed a hand on his cheek. He leaned into it, soaking in her touch.

"Kiss me," she whispered.


	22. Chapter 22

Reader, he did kiss her.

Ben looked into her eyes and said, "You're coming home with me?"

Rey smiled and handed him the small pack from the meadow floor beside her. He slung it over his shoulder and secured an arm around her waist as he guided her back to his ship. There was no point in being apart when both of them preferred to be together.

He could feel the Force surround them with an overwhelming sense of balance.

They were married the next summer on Takodana.

Ben was nervous for years about having children. Echoes of Snoke's words of dark lineage filled his mind, but Rey's level headed optimism won the day in the end.

Their Jedi academy taught balance and wholeness. The young local boy from Canto Bight continued to show amazing promise and went on to train other younglings. His family was never found, but Rey and Ben always considered him to be the oldest of their own brood of three children.

They lived happily ever after.


End file.
